Identity Crisis

When I was young, I rode horses. I rode them a lot! I jumped on and would take to the woods to ride! Then I was enrolled in English riding classes that were focused on jumping. I still rode the woods at the ranch but I began to develop some skills! I taught the old horses (they were just trail horses) new things and just adapted to their skills. After a year of English classes, I was granted my first horse!!!! He was a green broke Appaloosa that was race bred. This is when I began to develop my identity!

TJ was a smart, stubborn, but teachable horse. He taught me more about myself that I even realized at the time. I hung out with the barrel racers and the team penners. We had so much fun!!!! I bought my first project horse as a junior in high school. Gypsy was something else. I had to learn how to train a totally different way. Yet I was still a barrel racer. Many horses later, Gabe came into my life. Another one that would do just about anything I asked. We barrel raced. We sorted cattle. We rode trails. We taught lessons. We would randomly go help bring up a herd of cattle. Yet my classification was barrel racer.

Lynx was born and ended up with me just before I was pregnant with my only child. He was broke broke broke. A little quirky but so much fun! I took my 9 months off to cook my baby in my belly as motion sickness really kept me from riding. As soon as I was released, I found a way to ride Lynx, Gabe, Joe and Trip. Trip and Joe eventually were sold and Gabe injured himself in a bad way. Lynx was my only mount! We began to enter the races! I was so excited about how he moved up in the world of barrel racing. He took me places I had never gone. We won things that I never dreamed of winning. I have had a few since Lynx began his career but no horse was like LYNX. I was a barrel racer and we were a team!!!

Lynx is now 16. Lynx has been on and off for the last two years. We have raced maybe 5 times in the last two years. My barrel racer identity has been revoked. Whiskey came into my life a year ago and I’m anxiously awaiting the day I get to swing my leg over him! Currently, my classification is “riding coach”.

I’m am experiencing an identity crisis. I don’t know what Whiskey will be when he grows up. I cannot currently handle taking on another horse. Gabe and Lynx are retired in my pasture. I have two others to give lessons with and honestly, I don’t feel any joy to ride the lesson horses. I want to ride the colt.

This month I will turn 44. I never thought that I would cash in the barrel racing card. Honestly, I never thought Lynx would be down and out. I’m doing my best to turn him out. Let him be a horse. Let time heal. On the flip side, I feel that I may never be at the level of barrel racing that I was with Lynx. Oddly, I’m ok with that. If Whiskey has any desire to chase cans, we will do it. But I really want to learn a new trade. I’m a little exited and a little scared of what that means. But it’s ok. God has his plans. Trusting God to give me direction is really hard. I have to do it! Who knows? I might be a stellar showman!!! Whiskey might light a new fire in me to go show on cattle! I always liked to go team penning! I always liked to play on cattle! Maybe that is our path? Maybe a new door is opening? Only time will tell! I guess this is my midlife crisis??? I have even been looking at stock saddles and gear. My trailer is even ready to roll to a show. Now to get the horse ready to roll to a show!!!

Trusting The Process

When you have horses and you compete, there are soooo many things that make you step back and scratch your head. Sometimes you have to scratch an event due to injury or sub in a different horse that you were not really ready to enter up.

Something I have learned over the years is that God has a reason. His path for you may not be the path you prayed for but it’s HIS path. We have all thrown our suckers in the dirt. Trust me. I have been there many times. Then I ask God “Why”? I have since learned that if I pray over the situation before I start, I am asking WHY less. Instead I chalk it up to God’s desire for me. Let me see if I can put my example into words.

In 2011, I gave birth to my son. As soon as I was ready to start riding, I did. I had Gabe the Babe as my finished 10 year old. I had Zbar Lynx To Cash as my up and coming and I had Joes Streakin For Cash to exhibition on so I concentrated on legging up Gabe and Joe first. We went to several races until July. The first week of July, Gabe set back, flipped over and broke something in his SI area. His hips basically. He was done. This is a horse that never set back. He was my easy going, do anything, faithful horse! I was crushed! I asked God why. I threw my sucker in the dirt. On top of that, Joe was cold backed and I didn’t feel confident on him enough to haul him. Again I asked WHY, God??? He whispered to me to look at the gangly 4 year old standing right there! I didn’t think Lynx was physically ready. He was awkward, but man oh man was he broke! I decided I would concentrate on Lynx.

Gabe was down for a year before I was able to re-check him and find out that he had some arthritis really take over so he was for sure just going to be a light riding horse. Yes, I cried, prayed, cried… But Lynx was doing good! I set Joe aside because I knew something was “off” with him. Lynx went from the 3D (yes, he started in the 3D) to the 2D and bumping the 1D here and there. I began to pray before each ride, each run and I found that my sucker didn’t get thrown in the dirt anymore!!!!! Why? Because I was learning to trust the process! No, we were not bank rolling but we improved every ride, every run and that, my friends, was a success in my soul! Yes, I was still bummed about Gabe and Joe but Lynx… my gosh, that horse is amazing!

Moving forward. Lynx came down with pneumonia. It was BAD. He came down with it right after I had finally figured out that Joe had a broken splint bone in his hind leg. We did the surgery to fix Joe and had to leave Lynx, for six weeks, at the vet. I was told that his lungs might never be 100%. He might never get to run again. I hit my knees and prayed HARD. God says to me— look at Joe. Ride him. I have Lynx, ride Joe. So I did! Joe and I went to a lot of jackpots to exhibition and honestly, he was not “my style”. He was gritty. He liked to turn that barrel in four wheel drive. I decided to sell him so he could excel with someone else. It was HARD. But I did it. Then Lynx was ready to leg up! The Power of Prayer had healed his lungs! But, he is a bleeder. So I had to pick and choose my races and run him on lasix. No big deal! Lynx quickly moved up the ranks to 1D local and 2D at bigger shows then 1D at bigger shows!!!!! It was such a blessing!!!!

Move on to this year. Really starting last year. Lynx developed a limp in his front right foot. We did the injections. I turned him out. I pulled his shoes. I prayed. I also brought home a little bay horse named Whiskey. He is young and full of it. I really was in a funk about Lynx. We had over 10 years of amazing runs! He won five saddles and I’m not even 100% on how much $$$$$$ he brought home. Every single run was a blessing. Whiskey went to school and Lynx was diagnosed with a core lesion in his deep digital flexor tendon. It’s a fate I do not wish on anyone. Shockingly, he recovered! I was told he would never recover! He had been turned out for about 3 months. I had the vet re-check him and it was gone! The vet even said “I don’t know whom you prayer warriors are, but keep them around because this is an act of GOD”. I was so excited! We worked out and finally I entered a race 3 months later. One race. It felt AMAZING. God blessed me with one more run on this athlete!!!! Sadly, his lesion happened again. And he got another one on his left front. This time, I prayed hard but I am accepting God’s process. HIS PATH for me is always changing.

Now I am comfortable with the idea that Lynx will never run barrels again. I might still be able to ride him. I might even get to work cattle on him. But no barrels. He is done. And since I am accepting God’s will, I’m at peace with that. I have a scruffy little bay colt that might just change my life! Whiskey aka Skeet Rey Scott, is also home grown (literally almost all of my horses are home grown) and has so much potential! I chose a trainer that focuses on more of the ranch versatility vs speed events. Many are questioning my decision. I am not. GOD told me to do this. I think God is wanting me to learn a new trade!!! So I will TRUST THE PROCESS!!!!!!

So many things!

As an independent individual, being grounded is really hard! Currently, I am one week post op with my right shoulder. They removed bone spurs, unattached my bicep tendon and reattached it to my bone. They clean things up! But this surgery requires me to not use my right arm for at least 4-6 weeks. Nothing but physical therapy. I can’t drive for another week. Also, since my truck is a standard, driving won’t be possible until I find an automatic to drive! Then, after the 4-6 weeks, I will still be limited to 5# for an additional 3-5 months.

My current mental state is wonky at best. I don’t do well with limits. I don’t do well with letting someone else pull the slack. It’s not in my nature! On the flip side, this shoulder has been a real issue for a LONG TIME. I need to be whole again so that when my young horse comes home from training, I will be able to ride him correctly! I have so many things I want/need to do. Patience is also not on my “skills list”. I’m literally getting stir crazy and I’m only one week in!

I am looking forward to watching my students saddle their own horses! Guess what kids? You will get to brush, saddle, bridle, ride, un-bridle, un-saddle, brush and turn out your horses for lessons now! I’m not going to rush back into lessons just yet! After my two week check up, I will be coaching on days that Hannah can come assist! Getting hot while on pain meds and with my arm in a neoprene sling is not a good idea! So I will give my wounds time to seal up and only coach on Hannah assisted days until I have my students fully trained to saddle without assistance! I think this will be a great benefit to all of my students! Yes, parents of young kiddos, you will be a vital part of this new chapter for RES RIDING LESSONS!

My time, right now, is mostly spent planning, icing my shoulder, journaling, thinking of ways to drum up some cash flow (y’all, I have horse tack for sale on my FB page!) and just healing! Yes, I’m drinking LOTS of water! I’m not allowed to handle the horses at the moment. It’s actually kind of interesting. I was leading Honey with my left hand. She spooked and my body responded with my right arm. Muscle memory is a crazy thing! So since I always lead horses with my right arm and my body decided it can’t break the muscle memory reaction, it’s just safer for me to not handle them! They are all fat, sassy and enjoying the green grass right now!

For anyone that misses my horses, after next week, they Thursday, you can text to see if you can come out and help out! I’m sure I will be ready to get out of the house by then! Thank you to all whom have pitched in thus far to help me! I really appreciate you! ❤️