Sigh. Getting old sucks.

I’m a mess. Literally. Some of you don’t know that I suffer from osteoarthritis and have had a total hip repair. See, in 2010, I managed to tear my hip socket. Shortly after it happened (at a barrel race) I found out I was pregnant! Yay! Problem was, I never got my hip looked at… so while I was cooking my baby boy, my hip was slowly ripping and deteriorating. Of course, as an avid barrel racer/horseback rider, I had put it off. I gave birth to my son early because I could no longer tolerate walking! He was a 9# 8.5oz baby boy! I had to have a full hysterectomy as well as my gallbladder and my appendix removed a year later. Then it hit me. I was experiencing major pain. Like drop to my knees pain.

I finally went to an orthopedic doctor in 2013. He rushed me to a specialist in hip surgery. Come to find out, I had torn my hip socket 75-85% and my femoral head had flattened and was just jutting out of the socket. Y’all, this was legit the pain that made me quit riding until it was fixed.

I wrecked my hip socket. I had surgery that lasted longer than it should have and was actually released early to ride as my body was used to the saddle and my PT was not addressing this fact. I was told that my Teras ligament was torn 95%. Something that my surgery could not repair. Dr. Hal Martin specifically said “don’t get bucked off, don’t do the splits and don’t sit Indian style”. This was my life. Yeah I made it though getting bucked off but sold the horse. I don’t sit Indian style… and why would I do the splits???

😳 Now I know what he meant. I didn’t do the splits on purpose!!! We have concrete floors and I slipped. Yup. Slipped on a dog bone 🥴. My bad leg went forward, good leg behind me. I went ALL THE WAY DOWN. Y’all, I have never done the splits on purpose but I would have made a gymnast proud! 😳 I felt it. I felt the snap. This is not good. I have been able to manage my hip pain (arthritis) since my repair in 2013. If it gets stoved up, I ride. No matter the weather, I freakin ride. Per my surgeon’s instructions, if it hurts, go freakin ride. So I did. At a walk. It hurt.

After my attempt to ride and relax my muscles so my hip could move like it needs to do, I realized that my slip really messed me up. 🤦🏼‍♀️ A freakin dog toy messed me up. I have been bucked off, I have had to ride rank. I have had my fill of “oh crap” moments and managed to keep my hip in place. Slipped on a dog toy and…..bam.

Next step was getting into my surgeon. Luckily he is available next week. They want imaging done first. I’m down for that. I’m afraid that I might have torn that ligament all the way. What does that mean???? My hip, literally, has lost all stability. It feels like it is popping in and out of socket. It’s affecting all the same muscles that it did when I tore the socket. Sharp shooting pain and dull, nauseating ache. A FREAKIN DOG TOY. Sigh.

I want to ride. My soul wants me to ride. My body is saying “you are an idiot. You cannot ride”. I have been here before. Before my hip surgery, I picked a race, ran it and then sadly stopped until I was released 6 months later. No, not six months of rehab! I had to wait from August until November to have said surgery then was released 13 weeks later to ride.

I have two choices here. I can stop riding and sulk. I can legit just quit and sit on my bed (couch hurts) and quit. I can spiral down and quit until it is fixed. OR… I can keep going and coach my lessons, ride a little despite the pain and wait to see if my surgeon can fix me. Right now I’m on the fence. The pain is horrible when I ride. Imagine something poking all your ligaments when you are in the saddle. Then when you get off, imagine being kicked in the crotch by a sharp object. It makes me cry. Pain meds do not touch this deep pain. This is a give it to God and pray for peace pain.

My brain is in an awkward battle right now. It’s depressing to think that I cannot ride. But giving lessons brings me joy. It doesn’t hurt that bad to just walk and give lessons. It does make my heart ache not being able to ride while watching others ride. I’m at a point where I don’t know exactly what to do next. I caught my horse and was going to ride. Yup, you read that correctly. Lucky for my hip that Mother Nature had other plans. But then my surgeon’s assistant called and told me they are rushing me to next week! Yay!!! This is either good or bad. Not sure! However, God has his plans!!!! So for now I will enjoy giving my lessons, do my best to keep moving without hurting myself and maybe sit on my horse from time to time until I’m told that I’m all clear!

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