Letting go of the past is super hard. Moving forward and putting the past behind you can be so freeing. But it’s HARD.
When we hold on to our past, our failures, our pain, we create a future that encompasses these issues. Why not just let it go? That’s what they say. Just let it go. It’s really hard to let things go. Things that hurt you. Things that mentally altered your reality. It can be anything from abuse to something like a train wreck. I’m going to keep it to horses but mine was a train wreck. It was a train wreck on a horse that I am in love with, but I got on him scared and he felt it. He didn’t know why I was scared. He was on high alert. He read my feelings. And when the horse eating monster showed itself, he reacted and I had a train wreck. We all fall off. We all get back on. Or we try. But if we try with the same fear, we will get the same reaction.
I’m in this state of mind right now where the fear is starting to fade. The memory is still fresh. The love for that horse is still so strong. I HAVE TO face my fears. I have to get back on free of the fear. I have to move forward and let go of the past. Call it self preservation. Call it fear. Call it avoiding the issue. I don’t care. It is what it is. It’s a fear of loosing control and getting hurt. Question is—- will I get over it? Can I move forward?
Watching this horse with another jockey has restored my faith in his abilities and made me question what really happened when I got hurt. What was I thinking? Why did I get on him when I was scared? Well because I felt like I could trump that fear and we would be fine. I was WRONG. So I shall step back. I shall rethink my approach to this horse. I’m holding onto the past. He is reacting to my approach. I’m not afraid of him at home. Nope. He gets smart with me and I have zero issue correcting him and moving forward. Will I get on him at the next race and cruise him through? Am I ready? I don’t know yet. I have time. But I don’t know. I’m blessed that no one is pressuring me to run him yet. It’s not even an issue. It’s just a choice I have to make. I have to make a choice to move forward.
Isn’t that what life is all about? Making a choice to move forward or to stay? To change? Or to keep doing the same thing? We will see what tomorrow brings. I want to step up on him with confidence and reassure him that I trust him. It will come. We are not in any rush. We will get together and be a team just like Lynx and I are a team. We just need to have some conversations and bond.
So next time you get in the saddle with fear or anger in your heart, remember that your horse can feel that. He doesn’t know what to do with that and he might not want you on his back. They are fight or flight animals. If they feel threatened, they will show it. So if you have fear, doubt, anger or uncertainty in your heart when you mount up, please step off and shake it off. Trust me. You will be better off.
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